So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
