he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This baby is an asshole
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
