I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
