Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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