no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
