Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
