The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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