matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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