I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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