i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
