I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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