I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
