i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
