my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
