I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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