I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
