Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
