The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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I just forgot I was standing up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm like, not good at living.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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