I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
