Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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