I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
