I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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