Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize