She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I didn't notice because vodka
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
