I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
