I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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