We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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