I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
