My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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