she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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