I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
