Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
