Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
