Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
