It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
