I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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