I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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