it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
