I wanna bring you to show and tell
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
