Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
