he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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