the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
