I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
