Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
