We named our party play list daddy issues
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
