when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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