Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
