my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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