i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
