i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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