guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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