God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
