Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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