I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
