i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
