I've blown a few things in my day
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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