even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
