Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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