Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
