You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
