Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
