dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
