when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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