So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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