why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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